RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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