I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
