I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
