i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
