All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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