about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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