Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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