Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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