why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
