i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
