I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
