I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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