Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
