I cannot find my penis.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
