my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
