i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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