i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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