Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
