my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
