I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
