I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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