It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
