I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
