I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
