You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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