Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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