Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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