and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
