Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
