This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
