He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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