I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
