so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
