based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
