So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
