just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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