Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
