Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
