It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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