So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
