am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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