I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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