This dress was meant to end up on your floor
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
