I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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