my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
