i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Shame - the story of my life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
