my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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