My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
