I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I AM VODKA MAN
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
