thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
